


forever apoligize especially when there's no need

by MyGoldenEyes



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Abusive Relationship, M/M, Past Magnus Bane/Camille Belcourt, do not read it you have been in an abusive relationship and could be triggered, mundane AU, really i dont want to hurt you, recovering, shot canon and robbed it for lose characters, what an episode feels like
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-12
Updated: 2018-08-12
Packaged: 2019-06-26 05:06:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15656361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyGoldenEyes/pseuds/MyGoldenEyes
Summary: Magnus has days. Some days are not so great.Or the one where Camille really did a number on Magnus' mental health





	forever apoligize especially when there's no need

It wasn’t normally large things that would set of these- to call them episodes seemed condescending, they were more like periods. Periods of melancholy when any wrong word could elicit an extreme emotional response. 

Magnus first found himself slipping one evening while reading a book. It had long been a guilty pleasure of Magnus’ to read cheesy romance/erotica paperback books. The ones that were mass produced and often riddled with grammatical errors and sub-par plots. They were a comfort because they could pull you in but didn’t keep your brain so fully occupied that you couldn’t wander a bit. 

There was a specific scene. The heroine, Cassie or something, was speaking to the love interest who was clearly not good enough for her when their conversation stepped over the line between straight people ridiculousness right into an abusive relationship. Magnus read in horror as the man convinced this young woman that he was more important than her friends that were skeptical of their relationship. He told her that it was him or those friends and after a moment's hesitation, he claimed that he knew she never really loved him and made to leave. 

This was where Magnus dropped the book and shifted from his reclining reading position to a more rigid upright seat on his bed. He shuffled out of his bed and stood up straight. He made for his balcony and once out there went to the ledge and looked out on the city. As his hands touched the railing a jolt of a hazy memory went through his body. 

There were no specifics, no words that had been said, a scene didn’t materialize behind Magnus’ eyes as they fluttered shut. Just this horrible feeling of guilt. A guilt that he had disappointed her. That if he had loved her better then she would have never had to make that ultimatum. The guilt started to eat at his insides. It was a poisonous thing. It spread from his gut into his veins, reaching through every part of him, trying to bring him to his knees. 

His knuckles were pale as they clutched the railing trying to steady his swaying form. This sudden dizzying pain that ripped through his body had tears pricking at the backs of his eyes. The only words that could come through his mind were sorry. An apology for nothing. But still, one that meant everything. 

When you had been abused there was no such thing as an empty apology. You always genuinely believed that you were in the wrong as Magnus did in this moment. There was no one on the balcony with him, he was alone with this feeling. 

But he reigned himself in. Collected these bitter feelings to sit in a little heap on his chest. Blinked the tears from his eyes and returned to his room where he promptly threw the book away. 

The next instance was when Alec got home. Earlier in the day, Alec had asked if he needed to bring supper home to which Magnus had insisted that he could cook something up since he would be home all day. 

As soon as Alec stepped through the door Magnus was on the defensive. There was no food ready, he had gotten so caught up it had slipped his mind. He apologized several times and tried to race to the kitchen where he could start something in an attempt to escape rage that wasn’t coming. As he made to dart past Alec into the kitchen Alec caught him and forced Magnus to look into his eyes. 

“Hey, please don’t apologize,” Alec paused for a second, searching Magnus’ face for something, “I know you get busy it’s ok. We can order something.” 

Magnus took in this sincere statement and broke. He slumped against Alec and began to weep. He babbled more apologies as if “I’m sorry” was the only thing he could say. Honestly, in that moment, it was. 

Alec, stunned by this outburst, quickly lead Magnus to the couch where he sat them both down and awkwardly, yet sincerely rubbed circles into Magnus’ back and whispering words of comfort. Magnus could only respond with soft ‘sorrys’ and muted whimpers. 

After almost five minutes of this Magnus seemed to be coming back to himself. As soon as he realized what was happening he retreated from Alec’s touch. This left Alec looking hurt and frightened. He was terrified that he had hurt Magnus so he shot up from the couch and took a few paces away trying to give Magnus space. 

Unfortunately, in Magnus’ head, this only confirmed what he already thought. His outburst had been off-putting for his boyfriend. He had frightened Alec away. 

“I’m sorry,” Magnus paused for a moment, eyes flicking up at Alec then away before rubbing his face and saying, “You didn’t need to see that. I-I’m sorry, I’ll. I’ll sleep in the guest room tonight.” With that, he quickly retreated, mentally berating himself for being so careless. Alec didn’t want this when they started dating. He wanted a full grown man, not a sniveling child. 

Magnus’ behavior had nearly given Alec whiplash. One second he was sobbing and the next he was running away. It took several moments for Magnus’ words to catch up to Alec then he realized what was happening. 

Magnus never talked about it with Alec but he had heard things from all of Magnus’ friends. Once Catarina had made an offhand comment about how glad she was that Alec ‘actually let him out of the house’ Magnus had laughed it off and Alec had looked on in confusion. When Alec asked Catarina what she meant she had smiled softly and mentioned one of Magnus’ exes.   
Camille 

Her name was one that Magnus never spoke. 

From the clues, Alec had picked up from friends and now from Magnus’ strange behavior, Alec gleaned that their relationship had not been the healthiest. Alec knew a little about abusive relationships. A friend of his in college had talked about a past lover that was more than a little controlling. That friend would sometimes have outbursts like Magnus just had. Alec had once asked them what it was about and they had conceded that they didn’t know why but sometimes they would just feel guilty and horrible. They described a fear that could consume them. If Magnus was feeling even a fraction of that he shouldn’t be alone. 

As Alec caught up with his thoughts he all but ran for the guest bedroom where he heard Magnus pacing. The door was closed and locked. Alec knocked what he hoped was quietly and heard the pacing stopped. 

Alec decided that he would just go in. He tried the door and found it locked. He called out for Magnus but heard no response. Alec was terrified of doing the wrong thing, of upsetting Magnus further so he decided to retreat. 

“I understand if you don’t want to see me, Magnus. That’s fine. I’m not upset with you…” There was an awkward pause, “Come out if you want to talk.” 

Magnus had his head leaned against the other side of the door. He heard Alec retreat. Logically he knew that Alec meant his words, that he was as sincere as ever. But still. They echoed a different voice, similar phrasing. A common sentence that came before a storm. Magnus felt fear thrum through his body as his rationality tried to beat out the voice that told him that Alec was mad. He tried to stay closed up where he couldn’t do any harm but the fear willed his hand to open the door and his feet to bring him into the living room. 

As soon as Magnus stepped through the doorway Alec got to his feet. There was a hopeful smile on his lips as they parted and began to form Magnus’ name. But both the name and smile were dashed when Alec saw Magnus flinch at his movement. Alec decided to push through. He might need to hurt Magnus a little in order to help him so he closed the distance between them and put his hands on Magnus’ shoulders. 

“Please tell me what’s wrong. I can’t help if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.” Magnus was unable to hold eye contact. It was a frightening contrast with the normally confident flirty demeanor Magnus held in the day to day. It was like Magnus was a different person, but Alec knew better than that. Everyone had many different parts and this was just something Alec had never seen before. That didn’t make it bad or wrong or foreign. It was still Magnus This was just Magnus in a bad place. 

“I don’t know,” Magnus answered honestly. His muscles, that had once been tense, began to relax and his wall began to fall. This was Alec, he knew Alec, he trusted him. Alec wasn’t her. He wouldn’t hurt Magnus the way she had, “Darling I’m sorry, I-”

“No, you don’t have to apologize,” Alec tried before quickly adding, “I mean you can if you want to but you don’t need to. I mean I guess if it will make you feel better then you need to but- like -you haven’t done anything wrong and I just-” 

Magnus started to smile and then softly laugh as Alec tripped over his words in an attempt to make everything ok. Magnus knew Alec liked being in control of any situation and he hated feeling out of his depth so this all must be very stressful for him but he was trying so hard. 

“Alexander.” Alec looked straight at Magnus and snapped his mouth shut mid-sentence, “Just- I need you to just hold me is that alright?” Alec nodded a little robotically. Then again more enthusiastically. He pulled Magnus into his arms and rested his chin on Magnus’ head. 

“I love you.” 

“I love you too.”


End file.
